Powerful Mother Nature

For years my life felt like The Truman Show, I felt like a toy in someones game. As though my life wasn't real. Nothing felt real to me, not even pain.

Like Truman, I never left the country, except it was because I couldn't, the passport office would give every other bugger in the world a British passport except me.
It was as though someone was in control of all the variable factors in my life and it left me feeling somewhat confused. When I eventually saw The Truman Show I could empathise entirely with Jim Carreys character - which in itself is a worryingly unnatural concept.

Since a stupidly young age I wanted to go to uni, that was my dream, my sole target. Several things happened to delay and nearly prevent me going to uni, I am both happy and sad that they happened, but I would rather they had happened than not.

Imagine my horror therefore when I eventually get to uni, and had the housemates from hell, who bar one, were all nearly two years younger than me (and very immature for their ages at that), went clubbing till 3/4 most mornings and woke me up every time and turned our house into the inside of a hairspray can. Uni was not so much a dream but a hell.

I slumped into a depression and developed an avoidant anxiety disorder whereby I was actually scared to leave my room and go next door to the kitchen or even the toilet. I felt entirely trapped and cut off - in short, I was fucked up.

Only one thing made me feel happier, one thing that I lived for weekend to weekend.
Now that one thing is being torn from me. From right under my nose, beckoned away. It's already different, mistakes have been made and I am a fool for not realising sooner.

For the past two weeks I have felt as though there is a hand holding onto my stomach, and every time I hear or see a certain name this hand twists, and I feel like total shit. Yes this has made me slightly edgy, yes I am not my usual easy going self - would you be?

Tuesday night here in the South East we had an amazing thunderstorm. It was like an orchestra of nature, we had forked lightning, we had sheet lightning, we had thunder so loud and so rumbling it was like nothing I'd heard before.

I watched nearly all two hours of that storm, and for most of it I was sitting outside in the storm staring at the sky.

It was as though the storm was there purely to convey my emotions. The anger I felt fluctuated with each fork of lightning I saw, it was as though I was controlling the storm, that it took its energy from my anger. Every breath I took resulted in lightning that lit up the sky, every blink a chorus of thunder and with every beat of my heart the rain fell.

It was like magic, and I saw a sight I shall never see again, for I surely should be dead.
As I sat there soaked to the skin and looking straight up I saw a lightning fork coming straight down towards me. The world was in slow motion all around me and I wasn't scared, all I could think was how powerful and yet beautiful it was, it was a moment of pureness. At the last moment this fork split into about four other forks, and I was domed in lightning.

I shall never forget it for it is forever marked in my mind as one of those rare moments in life where nothing seems to matter.

It sounds like a fairytale, and had I not been there myself I wouldn't have believed it either, maybe I am still asleep, maybe one day I'll wake up.